homesick for me.

“this may sound shitty, but I think it's really easy to use our children as an excuse as to why we didn't, or couldn't, or wouldn't do life the way we really wanted to do it.

we can build our lives around these blanket statements of: “I could never leave them for that long”, or “they could never xyz”. but we won't ever know until we try it.

 Yes, there were definitely points in which I felt homesick and “guilty”- but not really guilty.

I think that that sentence comes out of my mouth because it's the common sentence. It's the common sentiment when a mother's away from home, but our children are not ours. They don't belong to us. We are here to guide them. They're their own beings. They're their own entities and our job is to support them, love them, keep them safe. It's not that we own them and it's our responsibility to make them into something.

I think that amount of time away forced me to acknowledge that I too am something that is not owned by them.

I am not owned by my family, by my life-

I am first and foremost, a human being.”

It's been two weeks.

It is 6:00 AM and I am back in my basement after two weeks away from home.

I went to Europe.
I was selected to be part of a photo exhibition in Paris and I decided I was going to use the opportunity to take my mom (71 and never been out of the country) to her lifelong dream of going to Tuscany while we were nearby. (If you've ever seen Diane Lane's movie Under the Tuscan Sun- that is why.) ((we also watched it 3 out of the 4 nights whilst in Italy.))

I'm not quite ready to talk about the trip itself- haven’t had the time to process it.

But what I do want to talk about is the feeling of home and being away from home.

And I want to talk about a mug I got in Tuscany, in a village called Pitigliano.

In this over three thousand year old village, there were narrow alleys, people who paid no mind to time, and artist shops making the most unique works of art I've seen.

I found a pottery shop selling mugs that are completely squished.
I gasped when I came across it.
It is the most comfortable mug I've ever held in my life. (and I’m a picky bitch when it comes to mugs lol)
He had a whole store full of them, each one completely different. I picked up every single one until I found the one that felt like it was made exactly for my hand.

I think it's so funny how absolutely unnatural it looks, and yet it is the most natural feeling I've ever had holding a mug.

I think about how glad I am that this artist didn't make this and think, “Hmm. It's just too weird. People won't want this.”

Even just saying that sentence sounds so fucking dumb.

I think about how susceptible we are to those thoughts when we think of something so brilliant- something, so outside the box, that we dismiss it.

It's like our brain can't even acknowledge the possibility because it doesn’t fit the normal broadly expected outcome.

We can get so wrapped up in a means to an end- figuring out a means to how to configure a life to get to a certain point or goal, that the focus shifts away from the means for means sake.

This constricts the possibility for something more incredible than we could ever imagine.

Being away from home for two weeks is a really long time, especially when you have kids.

Yes, there were definitely points in which I felt homesick and “guilty”- but not really guilty.

I think that that sentence comes out of my mouth because it's the common sentence. It's the common sentiment when a mother's away from home, but our children are not ours. They don't belong to us. We are here to guide them. They're their own beings. They're their own entities and our job is to support them, love them, keep them safe. It's not that we own them and it's our responsibility to make them into something.

I think that amount of time away forced me to acknowledge that I too am something that is not owned by them.

I am not owned by my family, by my life-

I am first and foremost, a human being.

Outside of all of the tasks and duties and responsibilities- even my preferences, hobbies, and habits that I have…being taken away from all that and put into a different environment really highlighted how important it is to be tethered to a center.

And to make that center me

instead of trying to orbit around whatever center I'm thinking I should create at home.

I don't really like traveling.

There were a lot of things that I would have done differently on this trip.
I wanted to make sure that we experienced some of the more noteworthy things.
I don't know if my mom will come back here or not so I wanted her to see as much as possible.

If it were just me there alone, I wouldn't have planned anything.

I don't like going somewhere for a week or so at a time.
If I'm going to go somewhere, honestly I'd rather just move there.

I don't like planning and having to find a time slot and to feel this pressure to hit all these things that make the most of your time.

I’d rather meander and linger and change my mind and stop everything because I see a delicious looking pastry in the window.

But it was good for me to experience that reinforcement first hand.
I don't regret how we did this trip, I'm so happy that we saw what we saw- but once again I’m reminded of how some one else’s “should” has nothing to do with me.

“What are you going to do? Do you have plans? Did you book this ahead of time? You know, really should you really blah, blah, blah.”

All of these blanket well-meaning, well-intentioned words that make you feel like, “oh, I should, I should I, should I, should. I must, I must, I must”

Yes, that's a version of this.
And it's not my version.

And in that same vein,

The reminder of:
life is still my own, just as my children's lives are their own.

there is a way that we can live in really beautiful, connected chaotic harmony that doesn't involve life altering sacrifice.

Of course there's the mundane sacrifices- compromises that are inherent with being a parent/artist/human.

But I'm talking about the deep seated sacrifices.

The ones that if you make them, you know in your gut as you're making them, the regret that will come at the end of your days.

This may sound shitty, but I think it's really easy to use our children as an excuse as to why we didn't, or couldn't, or wouldn't do life the way we really wanted to do it.

we can build our lives around these blanket statements of: “I could never leave them for that long”, or “they could never xyz”. but we won't ever know until we try it.

My kids are obsessed with me and it didn’t feel good to tell them I was going to be away and (not “but”) I think it's really beautiful that they had the opportunity to not only deepen their experiences with their dad, but had the opportunity to experience a different version of their days without me too.

If your gut is calling, answer it.
Don’t try to rationalize it away.
Or shame yourself out of it.
You can always change course.

An example of this that's really current for me is a shift in my career choice.

For a couple years I've been traveling a lot for work.
Opening my own business has not been as smooth as it would have been helpful to be from a monetary perspective. (from every perspective actually lol)

I decided I wasn't willing to get a full-time job and I wanted to still prioritize my own work so I decided to start freelancing.

This meant for most months, traveling to California or Atlanta for a week out of the month, give or take.

It was really helpful.

It made a lot of sense.
The rates I would get in a week were more than if I had a part-time job for a month here.

It was a great growth experience in general.

But I have felt the current changing.
I came to the point where I don't want to do this anymore.

It's not that I'll never do it again, but this amount of regularity of traveling away from the kids is not something that I want to be doing right now.

And so for the first time in my life, (besides high school) I pursued a part time job outside of my industry. It’s local. It’s not traditionally creative. And it feels like the right decision, right now.

Parts of it feel so strange.

Extreme rate difference.
Extreme environment difference.
Extreme work difference.

But I have a hunch that this might be exactly what I need.
And if it's not, I’ll undo it.

But I have a hunch.

It's like my new mug…

It might look really strange.
Completely smooshed.
Like it was an accident.

But the experience of it,
holding it…the feeling of it, is very right.

How can something so unnatural (by traditional societal standards) be the MOST natural?

When I started looking for jobs I would see roles that sounded fun and were relevant to me: art director/creative direction/photo editor-but most were full time.
Too much of a time commitment to uphold my own work.

I had to think in terms of energy management, mental capacity, & time.

I know myself- I don't do things half.
If I got a creative based job, I know I would be consumed by my role responsibilities and their mission.

At this point in my life, I'm not interested in furthering someone else's dreams and goals. I want to prioritize me, my work, and my family.

That requires me to not have a job that turns on my creative intensity.

It feels really good to have that clarity and pursue something super straightforward. It sounds refreshing. Something that gives me a sense of financial predictability instead of the feast and famine dynamic that I've been working with for the last couple of years.

It feels like the difference between soft rolling hills and jagged severe mountains.

Don’t get me wrong- I fully prefer the jagged mountains in almost all regards.

But there is a time where the soft rolling hills can actually be both the reprieve and the catalyst.

Removing the pressure to allow a new jumping off point.

It feels kind of like settling into bed for the night.
When you burrow yourself into just the right spot.
Put the pillow between your legs so you don't feel pain in your hip. (I'm getting old.)
I always stuff a blanket or a hoodie under my neck to neutralize my bones.

And then when you get to the spot where you don't feel anything pulling your attention in strain or discomfort, you feel this sort of comfortable neutrality.

Then you're able to settle in.

Then you can rest.

Then the healing can happen.
Then the dreaming can happen.
Then life can flow again tomorrow.

This is what I’m doing in life at this moment.
Finding a new way to settle in.

So I have this availability to create from a different flavor of space.

If you're interested in this sentiment of part-time work, check out this episode I recorded with my dear friend and fellow artist Morgan who has been an inspiration to me in the way she creates her life around her art.

I'm feeling really antsy to talk about some of the breakthroughs I've had in the last couple weeks but it feels really important to ground into the sense of being back home and speaking to that first and foremost because I think that's a big hump that many of us can't get past to begin with.

This idea of leaving for so long…

I just want to highlight the importance of it if it’s something that is important to you. It certainly doesn't mean that I was without reservation or I wasn't sad about it. (It also doesn't mean I had to be sad about it. No judgment.)

But-

That amount of physical
and mental space

opens up the possibility to come home more deeply.

To nuzzle into your home life in a way that feels more you, once you're able to recognize where you weren’t.

What's not actually working for me?
Me as a human, not just me as a mother or a spouse.

I,

me,

as a person.

I have just as much stake in my everyday life.

It’s not just me squeezing around my maternal duties or my relationship duties or my job duties.

Everyone can and will survive without me.

I think that's hard to digest.

And I don't say this in a way of, “in order to have revelations you have to go a million miles from home.”

That's not what I mean at all.
(actually, I specifically do not seek that out. I’d rather be like Andrew Wyeth and create and live in the same place my whole life but I just haven’t found the environmental spot that feels quite like home yet.)

I merely want to breathe a little bit more air into this conversation.

Just open a window of, if your gut pulls you but your heart and your mind are like, “no, no, no, no, no, I can't. It's not the time. When the kids are older, when the kids are older.”- give yourself some space to reconsider.

What if you looked at yourself and your parenthood in the same tender way you look at your children and their childhood?

They're not ours.
They are these beautiful spirits with their own free will and desires and path.
And we're here to be with them and connect and love them and support them.

That same sentiment is echoed for you.

You are not just someone that is completely and unavoidably attached to external roles in life with no right for your own private desires.

The more that you can really revel in your humanness and stay connected to yourself outside of your roles in life, the better, more intimate, & more fulfilling, any relationship and life will be.

I really believe that.

I really, really do.

I come back home and all of a sudden the blue and white cloud mural in my office that was once my son’s nursery isn’t a testament to my love for him that I am evil to get rid of.

Now ripping it down to paint the wall black doesn’t feel like a betrayal.
It’s a way to love better by being inspired and happy every day I work in a room that feels more me.

All of a sudden the silver curtain rod is unbearable.
I want it brass.

I'm coming back and making my home more of my own.
I didn’t see the areas that weren’t me as much before I left.

How can you make your life more of your own?

Look at it like my mug.
Maybe whatever changes you make are going to look really strange to others- even to yourself.

But when you give yourself the chance to feel them, you'll know what's right.