An Urgency to Live, Now.

Perhaps it’s just a sliver.
a nuanced change.
from looking to seeing.
Let yourself see beyond your eyes.

full body seeing.

hihi.

This month I'm doing something different.

In the past, when Nostalgia, Now was a membership with a live component, we would get together once a month and cowork the first hour. Cameras off, independently journaling.

Then we would come together and do a show and tell to talk about the experience and what we learned and share our discoveries, our breakthroughs, our hearts.

I got the nudge to make this month just like that.
If you’re looking for company in this experience, pause the video above after the intro, go ahead and do your template, and then press play to see my personal findings.

If you are inspired to share your discoveries, DM me or comment below. I would so love to hear your experience.

I invite you to press pause, put on your own music, have your yummy drink, get a blanket, light a candle, do whatever you want to do to make this a sacred space for you to reflect on the last month of your life.

This particular month is dedicated to the passing of a peer of mine, E. J. Hassan. I watched her celebration of life and left thinking, “I want to be more like EJ.”

One of the quotes that struck me the most was when one of her close friends said, when you think of “being in the moment- she was the moment.”
Her warmth.
Her presence.
Not anywhere else,
but in that moment.

I feel such urgency and to live.

for myself and also for her.

she lived.
she lived.
she did what made her happy.
she went back to school for photography later in life.
she taught.
she engaged.
she was warmth and sunshine personified.


I feel so honored and grateful for the opportunity to deepen into that and to take notes from her and to look at her work and to live.
to take pictures for her and through the inspiration of her.

If you're, if you're wanting to learn more about this magical soul, the founder of Memory Cult, Anastasia Pagonas created the most beautiful tribute for her here.

this urgency to live feels like an urgency to do
what I already know how to do,
to be what I already am,
but fully expressed.

I’m talking about self actualization.

My biggest fear, outside of loss,
is not knowing a different way.
not seeing a possibility of something that would have helped me feel more alive in my life.

it's not the regret of choosing wrong.
I'm not afraid of making a wrong choice.
I'm afraid of not having my eyes open to the most alive version of myself, whatever that is.


And that is what these monthly photographic journal templates are about.

My way of guiding myself back to myself.

We have so many well meaning, innocent, unavoidable filters that have been put onto us over our lifetimes.

but our truth comes across-
it cannot be held back.

It can be suppressed,
but it cannot be held back in the moments that matter most

when you burst out with rage or joy or the sudden wave of tears that just seem to fall out of your face.

that's truth.


When you have these,"irrational, overemotional" moments-

No.
those moments are when you are alive.

And those are the sacred moments where we should be taking notes.
"Oh, okay, more of this. less of that."

These are the field notes for living our life well.

and photographic practice, whether you're a professional or not, (I don't give a shit.)

IS the moments where you're subconscious let’s go of all the bullshit and moves with pure delicious instinct.

"This."

It's this impulse that happens connecting you with your own personal visual language.


When you are connected to yourself in that way,
you will unavoidably,
elegantly,
effortlessly,
live more accordance to that as a default
because you cannot unsee what you saw.

A rubber band that gets stretched out doesn't go back to its same form.

So revel in the fact that you are about to bring your most intimate inner wisdom and hindsight to right now, while you still have the ability to live it.

This ritual will inevitably leave you with a vital breadcrumb for living a deeply intentional life.

Read the prompts and if an image pops out at you, don't try to qualify it.
Don't try to make sense of it.
Don't over intellectualize it.
Let yourself go with your instinct.

This is an exercise in trusting your instinct in really becoming in tune with your impulses.

Don't let your brain try to overtake your heart,
your soul,
your sacral,
your gut.

Let your brain take a back seat. (and don’t let it backseat drive. no one likes that.)

My personal journal reflections-

We take pictures and we don't realize why we're so taken by them until later.

In this case, it's been a few days since I took the picture of my son in the pool and now I look at it and I think, “oh yeah, it's because it's me.”

I see me in my son in ways that worry me.

It's really interesting to see yourself in your children because we give our love to our children so freely while being stingy as fuck with giving love to ourselves.

Withholding love, affection, acceptance from ourselves gets too comfortable.

but then you look at a picture of your child and you see you.

it's an invitation to extend that to yourself,
to the person that came before this little ball of magic that you love so much.
what will you do with that?

"when you learn to trust yourself implicitly,
you no longer need to prove something through your art,
you simply allow it to come out.

To be as it is,
this is when creating art becomes effortless.
It happens just as you grow your hair.
It grows.”

-John Daido Loori

to trust yourself implicitly, pure bliss.

think of almost anything- a decision, a risk, self doubt, a creation…
trust yourself implicitly.

when I have a camera to my face? yes.
the rest of my life? oof.

This is the season of life that I'm in.
a merging of the world and the person I am when I have a camera to my face.

something I don't understand, but cannot deny.
ironically, this quote is the basis for all the work I do
And yet…
I still tango with this bitch.


This is why we're doing this.
It's why we're here right now, looking at our images and making meaning of them.

We already saw these moments,
these pictures that we're looking at.

You already saw every picture you've ever taken.

and yet, there’s so much untapped wisdom in every single one of them.

So much to glean.
So much to perceive.
On the tip of your nose.

It's right there-
and yet this ritual of going back and looking and reflecting and connecting those dots is crucial to staying awake in our life.

the slightest nuance.

not only did you see it,
you chose to take the picture.

you registered it at a deeper level than the other moments of your life…

but tell me, what is alive for you now when you look at it?

what does THIS version of you see, feel, know from letting your attention rest here in this moment?

Driving from Carmel to San Francisco with the sun was rapidly changing.
so tired.
just wanted to get home.
but I stopped like 4 or 5 times.
because the sun kept changing.
I had to stop.

I think this is life.
“but you already have the momentum. you don't want to break that momentum. It already took enough energy, mental bandwidth, emotional bandwidth, to keep all the parts moving. does it make sense to stop? is it that big of a deal? it took so much effort to get to where we're at.”

But stopping is the most important thing we could reluctantly bring ourselves to do.

Stopping could stop you from going a million miles in the wrong direction.

Stopping when it makes no sense but damn sense to hell because my heart said so.

image by Iresh Zaker

me, unbeknownst to me.
a candid photo.
so deeply involved in whatever the fuck I was saying with my hands, of course, my eyes half open.

can i let myself get here more?
where I'm not aware,
not aware a photo was being taken because I was too taken with the moment.

life on steroids.
that familiar rev of the engine.
more of that.

wtf was I even saying? does it matter?
i felt what i was saying. period.

a damn good picture reminds us that the picture isn’t the point.

If I let myself, except my full power, I would move with strength and ease versus trepidation.
I would be more bold about fulfilling my own needs.
I wouldn't shy away or downplay my joy.

It's okay to be happy.
It's okay to show joy.
It's okay to let down my guard.
It's okay to own myself.
It's okay to sing.
It's okay to follow lightness without betraying or abandoning the alternative.

If it all ended abruptly, I'm so fucking glad I owned my time.
I'm glad I woke up and continue to wake up again and again, and again.

Remember, forget, remember, forget

not a problem, but the point.

I'm so glad I didn't let fear hold me back from taking risks.
Nothing is really a risk after all.
all a facade.
The biggest risk I could take is ignoring
my desires for my one and only life.

I wish I could have explored more.
I wish I could have been more diligent with my energy.
I wish I would have published, performed, spoke more.
Deeper fuller more.
I wish I would have found ways to enjoy play with my kids.
I wish I would have relaxed and found more fun, found my version of fun.
(noted: do this now.)

I AM the moment when I don't let inconvenience stop me from pulling over five times because the sun going down has too much to offer me without giving me a thing.

I am the moment when I honor what is
instead of pushing to orchestrate a “sure thing.”
I am the moment when I am humble to the moment.

And so.
The most important realization for me in September, 2024:

It's all here.

I just desire softer and harder simultaneously.

I will pay attention to when I need softness,
I will take advantage of energy and create more.
I will honor my energy and my health.
I will honor my family and I will honor exploration of my ever evolving self.

Honor your ever evolving self.
that is what it's about.

suffering happens when we secretly know we are out of alignment with what we want and what's right for us.

it creates a life of tension and stress and regret.

I’m currently deep diving into the work and life of Anais Nin and in love with her conviction is being so unapologetically alive in her life, whether or not I or anytone else agrees with her actions. She lived free and untamed.

In going to those edges and those brinks of extreme aliveness, she was able to retrieve for us an expression that we can all connect to in whatever way we do, whatever way resonates for us.

She spoke of the desire to use both the symbol and the interpretation of the symbol from the unconscious put on the page, the expression of living moments.

And to her, the living moment is the immediate emotional reaction to experience.

Like a picture, the immediate, unfiltered instinct, not concerned with shame or perception or whatever the fuck infects our purity of living life.

Writing was her way to get there. To live it twice. In multiple ways.

Photography is mine.
And I think that it's in very underrated way to get to that place of, “who am I when I'm not trying to be what people expect me to be or what my past life identity has anchored me into being, or, blah blah blah.”

it is very much right fucking here.
right fucking now.
I press this button.

It is that simple.

If you can get to that in any other way, whatever it is, then screw the photographs.
Do it that way.

This is the work of our lives.
This is the greatest gift that we could give to both ourself and the world.

It takes a heavy lift to get to the point of letting it sink into our brains that what is good for you is best for everyone.

We're programmed to think that that is selfish.
We're programmed to think that these two cannot exist at once.

As if there has to be a sacrifice for true and deep joy
but I think there's another way.

A way not only without sacrifice, but as the highest gift for all.

You just have to be brave enough to ride that wave
long enough to find that out.

It's not only about instant proof or immediate physical results, results, results.

We know, like we know, like we know, that the most vital things in life & the human experience cannot be seen.

You can not see everything that's available to you at all times.

I'm going to Paris next month to see my work in an exhibition.
Never been.
Haven’t put any time into planning.

Last night as I was putting the kids to bed I started looking at Airbnbs on my phone. I all of a sudden got excited from seeing the visions available to me.

I just haven't really had a chance to think about it.
It wasn’t a part of my reality.

Looking at the photographs, my brain just opened up.
It's not something that I have a previous picture of because I've never been.
Putting attention on it opened the world up literally and figuratively in a split second.

All of those amazing gorgeous places exist, even if we've never seen them,
even if we've never put any effort into going there-
and the same is so for our life.

And you don't have to travel to fucking Europe,(although i hear it’s highly recommended lol), but your own backyard, your own home, your own mind, your own soul is able to access this depth of openness and possibility.

That is what makes the photographs we take so incredibly important.
a little peep hole into our internal worlds.

And through that we can intentionally and consciously and powerfully decide on life. in life.

Breadcrumbs breadcrumbs breadcrumbs.

flashlight in the dark forest can only illuminate so far ahead.
And the only way you can get it to shine further is to take a step.
to physically take that step.
And then you can see a little more.
And then take another step and see a little more,

but if you're taking the steps based off of how far you can see,
you will only ever get what you can see with your own two eyes.

If that's the only thing you're willing to trust.

So we come back full circle:

Perhaps it’s just a sliver.
a nuanced change.
from looking to seeing.
Let yourself see beyond your eyes.

full body seeing.

Look at the pictures that you put on your template, look at the pictures that you reflected on.

And if you didn't do the template, scroll through your phone right now.

Let yourself stop at an image that makes you want to stop.
Exercise that muscle of listening to your instinct.
And when you look at that photo, allow yourself to see beyond it.
see deeper
go through it.

get passed the judgements.
that’s boring.
go deeper.

What is this picture telling you?

What is this picture telling you about the experience of it being shot?
What is this picture telling you about?
The person who took it. The relationship there. that exact moment.
What happened with the light?
What happened with the composition?
What happens now?

Just let yourself swirl.

We swirl over the most horrific shit the rest of the day,
for a moment, can you let yourself swirl into something that is meaningful?

something profoundly helpful and enriching in your life,
swirl there.

Let yourself swirl around yourself.

It's okay to give yourself that much attention, and regard, and time

and maybe even

love.

The longer we let ourselves sit with something,
we inevitably find the thread.
the thread that weaves in and out of everything we do
And everything we're not doing.
And we begin to let ourselves wake up into our own power and wisdom.

What happens for you when you let yourself sit with the moments that you deemed important enough to photograph?

We are alive.

We are sitting here.
With invisible oxygen going in and out of our body.
Blood pumping through our veins that we can't see.
It's all happening and we're alive.
And it's a miracle.

what a shame it would be to take that for granted.
what a shame it would be to live half awake to our joy.

Do you want to move to a farm?

Do you want to look for a remote job, but because you're so sick of commuting?

Do you want to speak on stage?

Do you want to unschool your kids?

Do you want to start taking cooking classes?

Do you want to go have a cup of tea? Start small. Build the muscle.

I am going to get up and hug my dog.

What are you going to do?

What will you do with this one and only life?

Sending you love and light and joy and power, always.

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